Boyfriend wants to keep our relationship secret

 REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Dear Gase,

I have been dating this guy for seven months now. We go to the same church and he is one of the workers there.

The problem is that every time I tell him either in person or via text message that I love him, he just responds by saying, ”I love you too but I don’t want to give you high hopes because of our pastor…what if he says we don’t belong together?”

Also, my boyfriend doesn’t want people to know that we are seeing each other – he wants it to be a secret. I really don’t know what to do – whether let him go or get him to make a commitment.

Please can you help me?

Gase says…

Why should his feelings for you depend on what the pastor thinks, and how is the pastor going to give his opinion about your relationship when your boyfriend insists on you two dating in secret? These are questions that he needs to answer, so ask him!

There are ‘playas’ in the church too – this guy could be hiding something. For all you know he could be in a relationship with someone else, or even married, and just using you as a side dish. He could also be a serial dater, toying with your feelings until he decides to dump you to pursue his next prey.

On the other hand, if the pastor in your church is the one who decides whether or not couples belong together,it’s possible that he really does love you back but is anxious and doesn’t quite know how to handle things in case the pastor disapproves of your relationship.Whatever the case may be, it’s time for the two of you to do a number of things that will help you decide on your next step.

Number one on the list is that you should sit him down and discuss the direction you want this relationship to go.Tell him your expectations and get him to tell you what his true intentions are, but don’t pressure him. Believe me, no man dreams about spending forever with a woman who pressures him.
But if he doesn’t love you and is just out to have a good time, then there should be no room for such a relationship in the church(and certainly not in your life), because it’ll mean that he’s been lying to you.

Most churches preach no sex before marriage – some churches have what is called ‘courtship’, where the church elders give guidance and counseling to ‘dating’ couples planning to ultimately get married.

If this so then suggests that it’s time you two came out in the open. Seven months is a long time to be sneaking around for no apparent reason. Of course, your boyfriend may feel that your friendship is no one else’s business, but there is a difference between a private relationship and a secret one. Just how healthy can a relationship be if the couple spends more time hiding their love than actually nurturing it?

Do not allow him to use the pastor as an excuse to keep your relationship in the closet. If he truly loves you he will overcome his ‘fears’ and let those closest to the two of you, including the pastor, know about your relationship.

If your boyfriend still insists on dating secretly then he probably doesn’t love you and it’s possible he could be ashamed of being seen with you or associated with you romantically. That will certainly not be a nice place for you to be and the sensible thing to do would be to walk away and find yourself a good man who loves you enough to show you off to the whole world.